I am determined to make my own happiness. Like busting Hell wide open determined. I have a few hurtles to clear, but I can see the finish line down the track... if I can just sprint it.
Deep in my heart I know that if I can get past the pain of sorting all my material memories collected from the last 10+ years, and cram all my shit into my new living space, that I will have cleared the first leap. It's hard though. Every thing I have to go through holds a sad or happy memory from the last decade of my life. Happy or sad... they all still hurt right now. Every photo, or CD, or trinket, or ticket stub stimulates a memory and it cuts deep to have to decide if it's rich enough of a memory to keep each item.
The second barricade to leap is unpacking all that shit and creating a new home for myself. To be successful and move forward and eventually find my "I won" attitude, I have to clear all the negativity and pain. There is no room for that, especially now. I have to let go of the "should have's" and "what if's" and "could have's". I have a ton of those still floating around from years past and from recent months as well.
The final barricade will be to keep my focus on the goal ahead. I find myself easily distracted by the wants and needs of others. Others that might be better left out of my life right now. Plenty of fair-weather friends top that list. Ex's who have recently tried to slide themselves out of the "Ex" title and into a friend title, far too soon, before the trauma of the break-up has healed.
I am no longer in a position to woo potential friends or mates with impressive dinners, lavish them with gifts and tokens of my affection, or help them out with money or a place to live. It's all on me to show my true self - wit, intellect, humor, and charm. Maybe that's for the best anyhow.
My Ex has her new life now. There was a time when, despite our flaws, we were perfect for each other. Now I am worthless to her... because I am not perfect. I am like every other breathing human on this planet. I am flawed. And now I am *too* flawed to have the value I once did.
I should deserve better than that. But why do I keep feeling like I would be ok if things could just go back to the way they were when we first met, before we found eachother's flaws, when we were still PERFECT for eachother.
Deep in my heart I know that if I can get past the pain of sorting all my material memories collected from the last 10+ years, and cram all my shit into my new living space, that I will have cleared the first leap. It's hard though. Every thing I have to go through holds a sad or happy memory from the last decade of my life. Happy or sad... they all still hurt right now. Every photo, or CD, or trinket, or ticket stub stimulates a memory and it cuts deep to have to decide if it's rich enough of a memory to keep each item.
The second barricade to leap is unpacking all that shit and creating a new home for myself. To be successful and move forward and eventually find my "I won" attitude, I have to clear all the negativity and pain. There is no room for that, especially now. I have to let go of the "should have's" and "what if's" and "could have's". I have a ton of those still floating around from years past and from recent months as well.
The final barricade will be to keep my focus on the goal ahead. I find myself easily distracted by the wants and needs of others. Others that might be better left out of my life right now. Plenty of fair-weather friends top that list. Ex's who have recently tried to slide themselves out of the "Ex" title and into a friend title, far too soon, before the trauma of the break-up has healed.
I am no longer in a position to woo potential friends or mates with impressive dinners, lavish them with gifts and tokens of my affection, or help them out with money or a place to live. It's all on me to show my true self - wit, intellect, humor, and charm. Maybe that's for the best anyhow.
My Ex has her new life now. There was a time when, despite our flaws, we were perfect for each other. Now I am worthless to her... because I am not perfect. I am like every other breathing human on this planet. I am flawed. And now I am *too* flawed to have the value I once did.
I should deserve better than that. But why do I keep feeling like I would be ok if things could just go back to the way they were when we first met, before we found eachother's flaws, when we were still PERFECT for eachother.
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