Birthday Prozac? Paxil? .....Anyone?

Originally Posted on 12/18/08



I really just want to bitch for a minute.

I have no idea who, so many hundreds of years ago, thought "Alas! Let us now begin a tradition of zestful celebration for every anniversary of your birth. Nay, for every person's birth. Make it so!" But when I find out, I'd really like to just bitch-slap them. Thanks to their ingenious idea, every year we are built up to wondrous expectations for special birthday celebrations... usually meeting a disappointing reality.

This past summer, I spent the 3-4 days leading up to Lenya's birthday here with her, all while secretly planning a special weekend just for her. That plan was completely shit all over because a slutty cougar someone with an quasi-interesting idea beat me to the draw. I've realized you've gotta be quick to make your reservations for someone's time if you want to be the one to honor their birthday. I was passed over for a small barbecue and a couple of Heineken 12-packs. Oh yeah, THAT was impressive! (not so much)

For the last five or so years, it has been established tradition for my fellow dissenters in the EMS, Fire Department, and APD ranks to caravan me over to PINK PONY, Atlanta's best titty bar adult themed club, where the flash of a badge will get you in for free, leaving everyone an extra $10 (the precise cost of one more table dance). This has always proven to be one hellacious par-tay!

Last year's entourage was significantly thinned by the gossip and lies deliberately spread by Former Mouthy Partner at Grady. It was just Lenya, me, another medic, and his wife - subsequently a former stripper herself. We had a wonderfully raunchy time, and were -on several occasions- nearly booted out. A very tipsy Former Stripper Turned Housewife was table dancing for us and tables close by, FOR FREE, therefore cutting into the club's cash flow.

This last year, I have heard from -and seen- less and less of my old pals from Grady. Even that close handful who promised to stick by me through all the bullshit. I've not had one phone call thus far from any of them to make plans for my birthday. Not even the one's who live close by are offering to yank me out of my four walls for some cold beer tomorrow night.

My birthday technically begins in a few hours. So far, I have received ONE card, from my mom, and ONE myspace comment from a friend across the country that I have yet to meet in person. We are practically destitute, rolling coins from our change jar for gas to get to physical therapy appointments. I know that no matter what Lenya would LIKE to do for my birthday, we won't have the money to do anything besides sit at home, yet again, for another night, another Friday night.

This year looks to be a complete bust, fo' sho'!

Bartender, I'll take that shot of Paxil now....

And for all those "friends" who said they'd be sticking by me...