I have been told by several sages, from all walks of life, that the definition of insanity is to do something repeatedly expecting there to be a different outcome each time, when logically there will be no change.
Was it insanity to hand over my heart to yet another person... expecting a different outcome from any other time before? This time last year I would have argued with my dying breath that this could not be the case. Last night I kicked my own ass for believing it. My heart was broken. Not just broken, but ripped out of my chest still beating, mutilated, and sacrificed to Dionysus. Sacrificed for one fleeting moment of debauchery. The ultimate intentional or unintentional retaliation for my own well tallied list of wrongs.
In past years, I have been lied to, used, emotionally tortured, cheated on... so many damnable offenses against one's spiritual heart. I thought I knew the definition of pain. I thought I had come to understand what hurt really was. And yet, I come to learn what true pain really was. The one person in this world I gave my heart over to freely might as well have put a gun to my chest and blew my heart out the back side.
There are so many things I regret from this last year. So many things I have no power to change. So many unfortunate influential circumstances that damned our lives each day. But the one thing I had the power to stop, I passively chose to let fate take it's course. Passively I gave the reins over to her free will for her to make the right choices. I didn't fight for her. I didn't fight for her love. I didn't fight harder to make things work, to make the things better that I had the power to. I let things fester for a few months now, and then snowball for the last two weeks. I stood dumbfounded on the tracks watching a slow moving train gain momentum and plow right over me.
Goddess knows I have had my fill of new days. And as I sat on the patio this morning, I watched the sunrise breaking over the roof of the house and spill over in to the back yard. Today she promises to be a new day. Logic screams at me with dying breath not to do it again. Don't do it again. But in the name of LOVE and INSANITY I will place what pieces of my heart are left into her hands, begging her to sew it up, begging her to make it whole again. Begging her to do what I first had faith in her to do when she promised she would love me, unconditionally, forsaking all others, forever.
I want to have faith in her again.
I want to place all the faith in the world into NEW BEGINNINGS.
Please don't let me down......
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