I’m a terrible girlfriend...

Originally Posted on
8/19/08

I'm a terrible girlfriend. There, I said it.

It's 12:30 in the morning, and I am sitting at my computer with utmost boredom. Now that I rethink that - I have 15 different emotions and adjectives that could fit this scenario. I am being bad because I'm avoiding "the chat" with my Love. I have checked and re-checked e-mail accounts, read and re-read blogs, myspaced and re-myspaced, proofed and re-proofed my business website until I am completely left without a thing else to do but blog - all to avoid disappointing her once again.

Let me explain.

My significant other has a fascination and interest in body building that I am simply unable to fathom. So, she is sitting up in bed, 15 feet away, watching some body building DVD featuring Ahhnold Schwarzenegger, that she picked up at GNC a couple of months ago. Yes, I misspelled the name for my own humorous chuckle, and could give a crab's ass about spelling the last name correctly. I don't have much use for Ahhnold, whether he's body building, or movie making, or Gov-eh-nating. Never have.

I've heard the whole spiel about how this epic body building documentary is a classic. While I do appreciate the concept of fitness and gym memberships, I just don't get the whole body building thing. I don't fault her for her interest. But it's HER interest, and I can't begin to even fake mild interest. I just can't.

The rising level of testosterone emanating from my TV screen is nauseating me in my estrogen saturated quasi-feminist Pagan homestead. I have overheard Ahhnold's 5 minute rant on his comparisons of "pumping" (iron) to orgasms, repeatedly exclaiming how it's like cumming here, cumming there. All the while I cringe in disgust at his vernacular descriptions. There is some vague remnant of genteel femininity and Southern decorum that this lesbian inherited from both her grandmothers, which makes me want to wash his mouth out with soap. Not to be a hypocrite. I can out-cuss the best drunken sailors. But, dear gawd all mighty. Enough with the "cumming" already. My virginal ears were then subjected to repeated segments of grunts and groans, reminding me of bad dubbing in a 1984 porn flick. I think I was actually blushing.

I am a documentary whore, for certain. I will watch a documentary on just about anything. Documentaries on tribal cultures, suicides from the Golden Gate Bridge, recounting historical events, weather phenomena, how various food products are made, you name it. I watch Discovery, Discovery Health, and the Science channel religiously. Hell, I've bought out clearance bins at Blockbuster and Hollywood Video of documentaries no one else would obviously buy. But then again, I *DID* live in Clayton County for 5 years. I'm not even sure if 95% of the population could begin to spell the word documentary. But I, in my own flaws of intolerance, can't begin to understand people's interest in this stuff.

I find the muscular hypertrophy of body builders, disfiguring from even the best of nature's specimens. That's just it. I think it all goes against my deep rooted spiritual connection with Nature... -and all things natural. There is a natural appeal to firm bodies that obviously do hard labor for a living, or stay "fit". It all goes back to evolution and the animal instincts to find the best traits in mates for breeding and continuing your species. But beyond that, it escapes "Nature" and becomes UN-natural. And let's not even get on the topic of steroids, lest a soap box slides out of the closet, magically self-assembles in the middle of the floor like some trick gadget from a Dr. Seuss cartoon, tapping it's impatient wooden planks like a bored child's fingers on a kindergarten art table, while awaiting someone to climb on top and start spouting off a sermon with religious fervor.

Right about now I want to climb in a cave and vomit until my discomfort and intolerance is purged from my body. I have no right to ask her to turn it off because neither of us have the luxury of one-on-one time with the TV right now. And when I judge body building as a hobby or sport, please... don't think I judge her. I really don't. I just don't have the ability to understand her (or anyone else's) interest in it. I have what is MY opinion, and while I would never, ever force it on her, I also understand that reciprocally, she probably don't understand people like me who "don't get it".

The ONE clip I did find amusing from this documentary is that the current Gov-eh-nator of the great state of Cah>-lee-fore-ne-yuh is on film...
--SMOKING POT!!!!

Well, there's that. ;-)